People often ask me if I miss SoCal, the place where I half grew up. And I usually tell them, kind of, because my family and friends are here. As much as I hate the traffic and tap water, it’s still a base for me.
But boy oh boy did this trip remind me of how much the land isn’t for me. It’s like years of self growth and relentless work on being a better human get undone in a snap. I feel all the emotions I rarely feel now back in the Bay. It’s like being trapped in a case where people just freely push my buttons. Buttons that I (still) didn’t know I have, buttons that I thought are no longer there, and buttons that I didn’t know were my buttons.
Everything just teleported me back to the times in my life where I felt hopeless in social rejection, loneliness, and complete disgust with myself. Like most disasters, I did not see this coming. It’s basically fantastic.
Can I take a day off on Monday to take care of my existential crisis? Now I really am not sure who I am or who I have became. It’s rather ironic since I had a relatively strong sense of self worth and groundedness (NOT A WORD) about myself a couple days ago, thanks to all the volunteering I’ve been doing. But nope, not anymore. It’s like life just decided to laugh in my face and say, “JK. you ain’t over this shit!!”
What a bitch.
Once in a blue moon, I would feel beautiful and worthy of love and all that jazz. Today is one of those days. I fell in love with life a little bit and thrilled to be alive. Nothing is as humanizing and positive as community service.